Growing up, I was so mean to my younger brother. This might be surprising as I’m generally very sweet and, from what I’m told, lack a bitch bone. Well, I was a bitch.
He’s 5 years younger than me and between the ages of 13 and 20, I swear there was no worse sound in the world than him breathing. I remember sitting at the kitchen table and huffing and puffing because he was, well, breathing. And chewing too loud. And I was repulsed. We fought over everything. Actually, I will rephrase that, I fought with him over everything. He was just silent, most likely planning my demise. Lol He didn’t fight back often. Which pissed me off, I’m sure. He was just there, probably wondering why I hated him so much. I wouldn’t have blamed him if he had spit in my morning cereal. To my knowledge, he never, but I’ll never know because I’m not asking.
I’d like to issue an apology to my parents for this behavior. And to my brother, of course, but more to my mother. I don’t remember being in trouble a lot or even being yelled at but I’m sure it wasn’t easy listening to this constant nagging, bitching and raging hormonal ignorance.
I know for a fact that it was not easy because I listen to it daily. My kids are 8.5 and 11 and they fight so much, I am ready to lose my mind. Keep in mind, I’m a full time single mom so it’s just me enjoying this show most times. I don’t have anyone to tag me out. I don’t have anywhere to hide. I can’t leave. I just have to deal with it. 24/7, I deal.
Don’t get me wrong, they don’t fight 24/7. They do sleep. They also get along sometimes and even play together. The odd time, I’ll see their shoulders touch when they are sitting on the couch together, after finally agreeing on something to watch. It melts my heart. But things change in an instant. So fast, they go from Care Bears to WWF. I can’t keep up. One smacks, the other retaliates, lies and says he never. One throws verbal sewage at the other, saying hurtful things. One will ask, why does he hate me? And I have to explain that his brother doesn’t hate him, even though he spent the evening listening to why his brother feels he’s the worst thing that ever happened to him and wishes he wasn’t born.
Then there’s the carrying on and giggling, right before things are about to get bad. They are play fighting, hyper and being so silly. This is the worst. Why, you ask? Isn’t that a better alternative to fighting? Well, my anxiety is on bust because I know what’s coming. It will end the way it always does, so I ask them to stop. They explain they are having fun and why do I ALWAYS get mad at them for having fun? That’s me, the fun killer. I say ‘someone is going to get hurt’ and EVERY. DAMN. TIME, the laughs turn to screams and tears and someone is hurt and the other is denying. Then there is stomping and yelling, all the while I smugly say the dreaded ‘I told you so’.
I’d be lying if I said their fighting wasn’t taking a toll on me mentally and emotionally. It’s also affecting my desire to want to be around them. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids more than anything. But the oldest always picking on the youngest (for breathing), the tattling, the throwing punches and smacks and language and insults…..this mama is DRAINED. Can’t we just eat supper? Can’t we just watch TV or play a game of Charades without a fight? Please…. I beg.
The worst part is, they admit that they don’t act this way around their dad because they spend such little time with him (a few days every 4-6 weeks) that they don’t want to spoil it and have him frustrated with them while they are with him. So, they save it for me. Lucky me.
The funny thing is, for the amount they drive one another mad, they are fiercely protective of one another. And when they see one another at school, they get excited. Like long lost friends, giving a shy smile, full of pride. And if an outsider attempts to disrespect or hurt one of them, look out, the other one got his back and is ready to let him/her know to back off. No one hurts my brother but me, thank you very much, is what I picture happening. ‘If someone is going to push my brother down, it’s going to be me, so hands off’. Again, heart – melted.
And I love how they don’t want to experience anything that the other might miss. If Camryn gets ice cream, he doesn’t want Aiden to miss out. If one has exciting news, the other is the first person they tell (well, next to Mama). It really is sweet. They are close, they really are, yet they drive one another crazy, which I feel is normal because they spend so much time together.
They are not bad kids, they are just kids. And two boys. They are close in age and growing up and testing boundaries, and while they are lucky to have one another, they just tire of one another, naturally, just like I do them.
If that makes me sound like a bad mother, so be it. But I tire of them. I need more breaks. I need more self care. I need a break from the fighting, the saucy comebacks and constantly having to deal with their fighting. I want to find out if silence really is golden.
I don’t want to imply that all we do is fight. That’s not true. We do fun things together too, regularly, and enjoy one another’s company most of the time. But there is fighting, daily, and I refuse to believe that this story is mine and mine alone. Despite how Facebook makes me feel, I refuse to believe that this sibling rivalry is reserved for me. I am sure some kids don’t fight as much, but it’s impossible for siblings to NEVER fight. One has to annoy the other at some point in time. But if your unicorn children never fight, if they are best friends and you live a blissfully happy life and have it all figured out then bless your heart. Spill your secret, then F*** off. Hahahaha
See, I’m a bitch.