When I grow up

Hello!

Happy Sunday!

Ahh….Sunday! My least favorite day of the week. Well I don’t enjoy Sunday evenings anyway (because it’s a work night). In fact, I start thinking about how much I dread Sunday evenings on Saturday evening. Weekends go by too darn fast! I loved mat leave because everyday was the same! Monday, Wednesday, Sunday- what did it matter? I had no obligations to be anywhere, report to anyone. If I wanted to run errands in the middle of the day, I could! If I wanted to spend 3 hours at the mall, I could (not that I did, but hey, if I wanted to there was nothing stopping me). If I didn’t want to get dressed or showered, I could! Now that I am back to the Monday- Friday, 8- 4:30pm work week, I miss my freedom. I miss my son.

Don’t get me wrong, ‘A’ is doing wonderfully at daycare….he’s very well adjusted, but it doesn’t make me miss him any less. I come home on my lunch break and I see his toys and empty highchair and it makes me sad. I have been told that this will pass, that I will learn to enjoy the quiet, empty house. Well, so far it hasn’t happened. When 4:30pm comes along, I can’t get to the sitter’s house fast enough. I literally run to my car and fly home! It honestly feels that way. I am surprised I haven’t received a speeding ticket. Good thing it is only a 4 minute drive, I’d never be able to last any longer. One day I almost got stopped by a train. That would not have been pretty. I would have looked like a mad woman, sitting in my car screaming at a moving train. I just love 4:34pm everyday when I can see my boy. It is what gets me through the day.

While I enjoy the adult interaction associated with being back to work, I really think I could be a stay at home Mom. The only thing is, I do enjoy that my son is getting to interact with other kids at daycare and he can’t get that at home. I know, I know, you are thinking ‘hey, you can solve that problem, just have more babies’. As I said in a previous post, all in good time! Prior to getting pregnant, I didn’t think I would want to be a stay at home mom. I didn’t think it was for me. I know a few Mother’s who say they definitely wouldn’t be able to do – that of course they love their kids whole heartedly but they just need to work outside their home, away from their kids. I understand and appreciate that for sure. I’d just love to be home everyday with my son, but I would still like to earn an income. So hmmm……how can I make THAT happen? haha.

Even if I were a stay at home Mom, I would have to do something on the side, for myself. Like this blog, or other writing avenues. I think if I earned a living doing something I was truly passionate about, something that I was born to do, things would be different and I would be less inclined to want to stay home. I envy my husband for having a career that he loves. He was born to do it- and he is good at it. He goes to work with a smile on his face and he doesn’t dread any day of the week. How many people have that? I want that. I just don’t know what it is I was ”born” to do. I didn’t know in Grade 4 what I wanted to be when I grew up like some of my friends (right JC?). I just earned my Business degree because I figured it was a valuable degree to have. It didn’t matter to me at the time, during the 5 years of university, that Business didn’t interest me. Well it should have mattered to me. I should have done something that allowed me to concentrate on my love of writing. Oh well….you live and learn right? I guess it’s never too late.

Until I figure out what I want, I would love to stay at home with my son. But that won’t pay the bills, so hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s off to work I go.

Is it Friday yet?

Hugs & Smiles,
Sonya

365

Hello!

Happy Saturday and Happy Birthday to my little boy!

Today I am the Mother of a 1 year old. Wow. My son may be 52 weeks old, but honestly in some ways it feels like I just brought him home from the hospital. Time goes by so very fast. I thought I’d feel sad today. I thought I’d look at his early pictures, when he was just born and days old, and shed a tear. But I haven’t! So far anyways 😉

When I look at those pictures, I remember the joy I felt the day he was born. But I also breathe a sigh of relief. Why? Because I am happy to be past those early days when he seemed so fragile. Days when all he did was eat, sleep, and poop. Well he still does those things of course, but there is a lot of playing, smiling, laughing, almost walking and baby babbling in between. He is at such a fun age and so full of life! So I guess that is why I am not sad today. I love that he is 1 year old! I love that he has brought so much joy and love into my life for 52 weeks already, and I look forward to the years we have together, until I live to be 111 and then let him go on without me 😉

I think back on all the milestones of the weeks gone by. His first smile (wait, is that gas or a smile?), laugh, the first time he rolled over, sat up, stood up, said his first word, etc. His first needle, the first time he had to get blood work and I cried harder than he did as I sang to him, holding on for dear life. They are all etched into my mind, as if each one happened yesterday. It is amazing to watch him grow. I love the bond we have, a bond that has only grown stronger with time. I love the connection we have, that no one can soothe him the way I can. I love the way he smiles at me when I walk into a room as if he hasn’t seen me in a long time when I was only away from him for a second.

It amazes me how much A has grown and learned over the last year. When he started daycare 2 weeks ago I doubted how well he would adjust.  Everyone told me that he would be fine, but I needed to live through it myself to believe it. I underestimated him I guess, because by the second week he was adjusted. He naps and eats well at the sitter’s, but he is now playing! Yay! This is a big step because at first he found comfort only in his sitter’s arms. Now, he is playing with his new little friends. He seems to be having fun! That makes me very happy. He is a very happy little boy and I am glad that he is showing his true colors in the presence of someone else, other than his parents.

Becoming a Mother changes you. Physically, well that goes without saying (seriously, how can I get rid of these last 5lbs)? But mentally as well. When you go through labor and delivery, it is like a superwoman appears from within to get you through it. That superwoman never goes away. Once you push that baby from your body, an unwritten contract is created, stating that as a Mother, you agree to love and protect that child for the rest of your days. You become so strong and protective over this little tiny human that is so very much a part of you. You agree that without question, you would give your life for this child. That is certainly how I feel so I assume that is how every other Mother feels. Motherhood is certainly not something you enter into lightly. If you are not prepared to be Superwoman (in many ways), you are not ready to be a Mom.

For 365 days now I have been a Mother. It seems like yesterday I was looking at the pregnancy tests (yes, plural) in shock that I was going to be someone’s Mommy! I will smile today as I celebrate the past year of my son’s life. And no matter how old he gets, I will always celebrate the fact that he will always be my baby.

 Hugs & Smiles,

Sonya

This too shall pass

Hello!

Happy Saturday!

We survived our first week of work and daycare. Not without tears though. Daycare went a bit better than I expected, I think. I can’t say for sure because I wasn’t there. ha! I can honestly say that dropping him off that first morning was incredibly sad for me. I got my husband to take a picture of me and my (not so baby) boy before we left and I swear I threw up and swallowed it. Dramatic? Yes. Truth? Yes. I dropped him off and as soon as I took off his jacket he realized what was happening and the tears started. I wanted to make it a happy time, so I was all smiles. The second I handed him over to the sitter, he cried harder and the image of him reaching for me was etched in my mind the entire day. I walked out the front door, down the stairs and to my car and cried. I was apologizing to him, out loud, as I drove away. I felt guilty for what I think he felt- that Mommy left him and wasn’t coming back. I know I have no reason to feel guilty but I did. I cried all the way to work and at work for a few minutes. Most people gossip around the water cooler. I cried. Then I pulled myself together and went on with my day. I had a lot to do and I was struck by the fact that my baby brain had taken over and I simply did not remember a lot of what it is I do in my job. That lasted, well, all week. I may have been physically present, but part my mind was elsewhere.

My husband picked our son up from daycare the first day (I got the tears and he got the smiles, how is that fair?) but seeing him when I got home was so great! I hugged him so much he pooped (not really, but I am surprised). We had gotten through the day. Now we just had to do it all again the next day….and everyday for the next 18 years (as my husband so kindly pointed out). Overall, his first day was okay. He needed to be up in the sitter’s arms or he’d cry, but I am sure he’ll get over that in time. Perhaps he is afraid that like his mommy, she too will leave. See, here comes that guilt again!

I was trying to tell myself that there are people in this life going through worse things than dropping their child off at daycare. That there are some parents who would love the opportunity to do such a thing, but for whatever unfortunate reason can not. That many mothers have done this before me, so what makes me any different? It is easy to try to convince yourself of something, but it doesn’t erase the knot in your stomach. All week I felt off, that something was missing……and it was. I missed being in the presence of my son 24/7. I came home for lunch and the house was too quiet. Too empty. So I left. I am the one suffering from separation anxiety. So this is a big step for me, being away from my son. I know it will get easier…..so I will just take it one day at a time.

I guess another quick solution would be to have another baby so I can stay home another year. Hmmm….good solution, just not the right one for me yet 😉

Hugs & Smiles,

Sonya

All in good health

Hi!

Happy Friday!

Well, the bubble has burst! My son hasn’t even spent a full day at daycare and already he has his first ever runny nose and phlegmy cough. He doesn’t have a fever yet, but we’ll see. Oh good ol’ baby germs! They spread like wildfire. He barely napped yesterday because of course, when you are congested it is always worse when you are lying down. I  guess he realized that sleeping and not being able to breathe through your nose does not make for a comfortable rest. Last night he was up almost every two hours, and at 4am I had to feed and rock him (which I haven’t done since he was 3 months old) and he pretty much fell asleep sitting up in my arms. Today isn’t much better….overall, he is in pretty good spirits, just a bit sooky and wanting to be up in Mommy’s arms. Which doesn’t bother me, I will take extra cuddles whenever I can 😉 

It’s hard watching your baby sick or in pain. Their bodies just seem too small to have to fight off anything! I feel so helpless. Too bad Mommy hugs weren’t a miracle drug. My little guy would be immune from illness for life 😉 At 4am, when I was holding A, I was staring at his beautiful little face, willing him with my magic Mommy mind to get better. Snap! Didn’t work (if only it were that easy). I told him that I would take it away from him if I could, so that I’d be the one sick. Then I got to thinking about how this is only a common cold and I hate watching A suffer through it. It makes me sad that he doesn’t feel 100%. Imagine how it must feel for parents whose child has a serious, or heaven forbid, life threatening illness? I can’t even imagine it. My husband is currently raising money in support of the Make A Wish foundation, in hopes of helping a 3 year old boy get his wish of meeting Mickey Mouse. This little boy has been fighting cancer for 2 years, 2 years – he is only 3 years old!! It breaks my heart. No child should have to fight that battle. No child should have to go through that, and no parent should either. My heart goes out to all families with a sick member, especially an infant. I am sure if you asked any parent of a sick child if they would switch places with their child, they would. I know that if I were in that situation, I would….gladly. Life can sometimes be unfair, that is for sure.

Without going into too many personal details, I will tell you that only a few hours after our son was born we had a scare. I thought the hard part (aka delivery) was over, turns out I was wrong. It had only just begun. With his first birthday approaching, I think about how the day he was born was the best and the scariest day of my life. Our little A stopped breathing several times and had the doctors stumped….so stumped that he had to be air lifted to a nearby hospital that specialized in children’s care. A spent the first 5 days of his life in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). He spent more time with the NICU nurses than with his own Mother. I remember being afraid he wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between me and a nurse. My husband reassured me that he just knew. He did. It was the scariest time of my life, and the entire time I kept thinking, please please please let him be okay….OR take me instead.

A was only in the NICU for 5 days (but I wish we had never been there at all) but I consider myself lucky because there were parents there whose babies had a long road ahead of them. Months even! Some babies there had been born 10-12 weeks premature. You could fit their entire bodies in the palm of your hand. As families, we got to know one another in the NICU. I’d love to see some of those babies today to see how much they have grown in a year 😉

So although I HATE that my son is sick, I am relieved that it is only with a cold. I tell myself as I wipe his runny nose that it could be worse. I am one of the lucky ones……and I can only hope and pray that I stay that way.

Hugs & Smiles,

Sonya

p.s. Sorry for any tears this post may have brought on. xo