We survived our first week of work and daycare. Not without tears though. Daycare went a bit better than I expected, I think. I can’t say for sure because I wasn’t there. ha! I can honestly say that dropping him off that first morning was incredibly sad for me. I got my husband to take a picture of me and my (not so baby) boy before we left and I swear I threw up and swallowed it. Dramatic? Yes. Truth? Yes. I dropped him off and as soon as I took off his jacket he realized what was happening and the tears started. I wanted to make it a happy time, so I was all smiles. The second I handed him over to the sitter, he cried harder and the image of him reaching for me was etched in my mind the entire day. I walked out the front door, down the stairs and to my car and cried. I was apologizing to him, out loud, as I drove away. I felt guilty for what I think he felt- that Mommy left him and wasn’t coming back. I know I have no reason to feel guilty but I did. I cried all the way to work and at work for a few minutes. Most people gossip around the water cooler. I cried. Then I pulled myself together and went on with my day. I had a lot to do and I was struck by the fact that my baby brain had taken over and I simply did not remember a lot of what it is I do in my job. That lasted, well, all week. I may have been physically present, but part my mind was elsewhere.
My husband picked our son up from daycare the first day (I got the tears and he got the smiles, how is that fair?) but seeing him when I got home was so great! I hugged him so much he pooped (not really, but I am surprised). We had gotten through the day. Now we just had to do it all again the next day….and everyday for the next 18 years (as my husband so kindly pointed out). Overall, his first day was okay. He needed to be up in the sitter’s arms or he’d cry, but I am sure he’ll get over that in time. Perhaps he is afraid that like his mommy, she too will leave. See, here comes that guilt again!
I was trying to tell myself that there are people in this life going through worse things than dropping their child off at daycare. That there are some parents who would love the opportunity to do such a thing, but for whatever unfortunate reason can not. That many mothers have done this before me, so what makes me any different? It is easy to try to convince yourself of something, but it doesn’t erase the knot in your stomach. All week I felt off, that something was missing……and it was. I missed being in the presence of my son 24/7. I came home for lunch and the house was too quiet. Too empty. So I left. I am the one suffering from separation anxiety. So this is a big step for me, being away from my son. I know it will get easier…..so I will just take it one day at a time.
I guess another quick solution would be to have another baby so I can stay home another year. Hmmm….good solution, just not the right one for me yet 😉
Hugs & Smiles,