Final countdown

Hello!

Happy Wednesday! Is it Wednesday, I think so! If not, happy whatever day of the week it is! lol

All I know about days is that my days as a Mothe of one are getting short. Very short. So I figured I’d write a blog now while I had the time. Because in a few days time I’ll be back to that sleep deprivation stage with a newborn where I’ll be wondering if I brushed my teeth that day and when the last time I showered was. The joys of Motherhood 😉 I just can’t help but wonder if having my second will be as much of a shock to the system as having my first child was.

I said it before and I’ll say it again, I hate pregnancy. I am at that uncomfortable stage now where literally it hurts to do just about everything. I question every pain wondering if it is a sign that the baby is on his way. His head is low, I can promise you that! Changing positions in bed makes me want to cry, literally. It doesn’t help that I am not sleeping. I am irritable and emotional and have gas. I haven’t been able to shave in weeks so there are knicks and cuts all over the place. I feel like Dolly Parton and can officially say that I waddle. I never waddled on my first pregnancy. Nothing makes you feel more attractive than waddling. I don’t know why the runway models don’t do it. Sexy, I tell you, sexy.

It hurts to get in and out of my car. I lose breath when I walk up more than 2 stairs and I sweat, almost all the time. I can’t wear my wedding rings and I can only see my ankles for 65% of the day.  I’m ready for this baby to come out now. I want my body back! It may look different, but it will still be mine and I won’t have to share it anymore. As much as I love being kicked and feeling this little bundle move around inside me (which I really do, it’s about the only thing I like about pregnancy), I am ready for his body to be on the outside world 😉

But what happens when he gets here? I am excited of course, don’t get me wrong, but I am nervous too. Having a newborn around again scares me. I will never forget when my son, A, was born. He was in the NICU for the first week of his life so the nurses would call when it was time for feedings (if I wasn’t already there). I would just get back to sleep at night and the phone would ring. Seriously, he JUST ate didn’t he? But it took almost an hour to feed, then I’d get him settled away and get back to bed and voila, it was time to do it all over again. I was a walking, talking zombie in that hospital! Then we brought him home and our lives revolved around the every 3 hour feeding clock, changing bums (and worrying about poop color and consistency) and monitoring sleep.  I was so overwhelmed. It got better the more I got to know the little guy. I figured out his cries and we developed a routine. We figured it out….together 😉 With a little help from Daddy too of course.

Now I find myself wondering how I am going to manage a newborn WITH a 2.5 year old around too. I figured it out the first time, I am sure I will figure it out again. It just seems like so much more work. And I know I will suffer from Mommy guilt. I will feel bad that I can’t give each child the attention he deserves every second of every day. I will try my best but I am only one Mommy. And I need to remember that not only do the boys need to be fed, bathed and get some rest but I need the same things.

I came across a poem that was written by Mayim Bialik (former star of Blossom, and currently on Big Bang Theory) when she had her second son. I read it when I wasn’t even pregnant and it literally made me cry. It talks about life with two kids and Mommy guilt. I haven’t read it in a while, but I thought I would share it. It’s beautiful and honest and heartbreaking. No doubt I will cry when I reread this post:

 Ode To The First Weeks

Before the baby
It was mama mama mama all the time
Naps and nights
Mama mama mama
And every moment in between
Mama mama mama

But then he came
And you wanted nothing to do with me
You wanted dada
Just dada
Only dada

Before the baby
Your skin was so soft
Was there anything softer?
There could not be anything softer
And I would caress you at naptime and night
Your softness: a leg, a cheek, tiny fingers,
Soft soft soft Firstborn

But then he came
And your skin, once like porcelain, seemed rough and full of imperfections
Bumps and scrapes and scratches
You were not so soft as him
That was very clear 

Before the baby
I loved you with everything I had in me
Could I love you more?
Yes I could, they told me, and so I did
At naptime and night and every millisecond in between
All you, only you, forever you

But then he came
And that love grew and grew and grew
And it filled up every corner it could find
Every crevice that I didn’t know existed got filled up with golden warm light
And I kept on loving you so hard
But I loved him too, with everything I have in me
I loved him so hard, so quickly
Did I love him faster than I loved you? Earlier in his life?
I feared the answer was yes

Before the baby
You amazed me
Each eyelash held a universe
Each movement of your hand told a story
And you learned to be a little boy so fast and so well

But then he came
And you broke my heart every minute
How did you come to be so lovely, so creative, so tender, so gentle, so sweet?
How did we make you? Where did you come from?
And why are you crying?

Crying for the milk you had long given up
Crying mama mama mama
You are shrieking a rejection of me with hands once so tiny, yet now so big,
You are clinging to my body with desperation and longing

And sometimes I can not give myself to you like I used to
And you are sad
And you cry
And I cry
And I wonder, what did I do to him?
How could I do this to him?
Will he ever forgive me? 

But did you know
That when it is dark
And you are asleep
And he is asleep
And he does not need me
I roll to you
And I cradle you in my arms
And I inhale your scent
And I hold your hands
And I stroke your skin
And I remember the Great Love
And I cling to your body
With desperation
And with longing

 

The ending gets me most of all. Right now, I am all about A. He has been my life for 2.5 years. I hug him too tightly everyday and kiss him until he giggles and says “Mommy, stop!”. I am literally obsessed with him. I can’t imagine my heart being able to accommodate any more love. But I guess it will and I will soon find out what it’s like to love two boys. I just hope sharing Mommy isn’t too hard on my little man. Time will tell. Stay tuned….I’ll be sure to keep you posted.

Wish me luck!

Hugs & Smiles,

Sonya