Happy Friday! Long time no blog. I’ve been busy trying not to pull my hair out.
My 7 month old is a demanding baby. As soon as I am out of his direct line of vision he just gets pissed off and cries, most of the time anyways. And not a soft “I miss you” cry. Oh no, it’s a “Where do you think YOU’RE going lady” cry. You know, the one where he could make himself sick if you leave him for longer than 4 seconds. It’s brutal. Absolutely freaking brutal. I have become a marathon pee-er as a result.
But when he’s not crying, he’s a pleasant baby 😉 He really is. He’s adorable and has the world’s best baby smile. It just drives me nuts how fast that damn smile can turn into a frown. Sometimes he freaks out while I am feeding him his cereal because I am not going fast enough. I kid you not. The time it takes to take the spoon away from his mouth and reload the spoon, he’s freaking out. I know in baby language he is cursing at me. Well guess what buddy? Mommy is cursing at you too. Out loud. To your face. I have made up a ‘shut up and go to sleep’ song to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Sometimes I throw in a few extra curse words because it feels good and he doesn’t know the difference.
On top of a crying baby I have a 3 year old. The good news is he is quite independent and smart for his age, which is a blessing for me. For the most part, he’s a huge help and a good boy. Then of course there are times when he freaks out over stupid shit. The other day it was too hot in the house for me to dry my hair so I planned to let it air dry. This upset Aiden. He told me I am not allowed to leave the house with wet hair. He wasn’t kidding. So unless I wanted him to have a full on meltdown, I was better off drying my hair. Seeing as I learned to pick my battles, I did as I was told. I dried my hair.
Somewhere over the past 3 years I seemed to have misplaced my patience. It’s sad really. It’s the biggest challenge with having two kids. Trying to maintain your cool and keep calm when you feel like your head is going to explode. The scary thing is, it’s not like me! I am a relatively patient person. Well, I used to be anyways. I never had an issue before. Now, here I am trying to deal with my screaming baby and a toddler whose mood is like a ticking time bomb and all I want to do is pull my hair out. Or scream. Or open the front door and just start running.
When Aiden was a baby, it would take me a long time to get to the point of frustration when he was crying (or pissing me off in any way). But now, 3 years and another kid later and I find myself getting impatient and frustrated in the blink of an eye. I take a deep breath and count to ten if I can, but I will admit that sometimes I lose my cool. I get impatient with Aiden, sometimes even with Camryn. I admit that I have yelled at my 7 month old baby to be quiet. “For the love of god, please stoppppp cryinnggggg”. I even heard my 3 year old yell at him one day. He even added “I’m sick of it!”, a phrase I know he learned from me. I instantly told him to stop yelling at his brother, that he was just a baby. Then I realized that he was yelling because he probably heard me do it. So why can I do it, but not him?
I guess a large part of my patience was removed from my body when I delivered Camryn. I want to go back to the tolerant mother I was when Aiden was a baby. But I can’t. I’m ruined. I’m changed. When Aiden was a baby, he was my one and only. I had a full year to devote to him and his needs only. I babied him. I had my eyes on him 24/7. But with Camryn, I am home with 2 kids and it isn’t all about the baby. Half the time I am trying to juggle 8 things at once and the baby just happens to be one of them. That sounds horrible, but it’s true. And only because he is no longer the only little human that needs me. I am pulled in a thousand different directions in the run of one day and it’s not all about the baby. There is no way it can be. Not with Aiden around too.
I don’t get to just sit for however long I want and hold Camryn like I did Aiden. To be honest, I rarely get any alone time with Camryn. I know I don’t read or sing to Camryn as much as I did Aiden. I don’t get to spend 20 mins bathing him and then spend the same amount of time just smelling him afterwards, taking in his fresh baby scent. Because after Camryn is bathed, it’s Aiden’s turn. Then it’s bedtime snacks, book, bottle, and bed for both. It’s a never ending race with no finish line.
And this makes me sad.
Something I struggle with as a mother of two is the feeling that Camryn isn’t getting the best of me. I feel like he is getting the exhausted, impatient and ‘just hanging in there’ version of the Mommy I used to be. A Mommy who really is trying her best.
I also can’t help but feel like Aiden is seeing a new side of me that he never saw until now. A side of me that maybe I didn’t know existed. The Mommy who often seems to be in a rush. Who no longer makes a game out of putting on his pj’s, but instead asks him to put them on himself so she can run to tend to his baby brother who is crying. Or pooped. Or spit up. Or is being too quiet. A Mommy who seems a little more tired these days. He doesn’t know that his brother may have kept her up at night and that the whole ”sleep when the baby sleeps” rule doesn’t apply when you have two.
Two is hard. But the hardest part about it is feeling the way I do. Like in some way I have disappointed Camryn and he’s just too young to realize it. He has to share me with his brother. Aiden didn’t have to share me with anybody. So I feel guilty about that but in some ways, I feel like I have given Camryn a gift that Aiden didn’t have. His brother. Camryn adores Aiden. I mean, the ‘smiles from ear to ear the second he hears his voice’, kind of adores. I get the same smile, so that reminds me that no matter how guilty I may feel, I am doing something right.
I may get frustrated. I may be stressed. I may lose patience and raise my voice with Aiden on occasion (and then apologize for being frustrated and follow it up with a hug). I may even use curse words in lullabies. I never claimed to be perfect. But the thing is, I am perfect….for them. As my 3 year old says “We are a happy family”. When I see how caring, sweet and smart he is, I can’t help but be reminded that we did something right with him. I just hope that I do the same with his brother.
I also hope that I am not the only mother out there who feels this way. Facebook seems to tell me differently, but heck, you can’t believe everything you see or read on social media 😉
Hugs & Smiles,