It has been a long time since I wrote a blog. Not by choice. I accidentally stepped on my laptop and well, let’s just say the end result wasn’t pretty. I blame the last 5 pounds of baby weight that I can’t seem to shed for destroying my precious laptop. As punishment I was left with nothing but an iPad and a cell phone and I refuse to write anything longer than an email on either. So here I am….back at it!
I probably have a 10 page blog written in my head from my experiences over the past few months. Of course now, thanks to baby brain, I can’t seem to remember more than half a page.
I had a horrible week in September. It was like Camryn hit the 9 month mark and decided to spice things up. He stopped sleeping through the night. Not only that but he started screaming every time I laid him in his crib. He isn’t usually rocked to sleep, but all of a sudden he wanted nothing but to me in my arms. The second he realized he was being lowered into his crib he would let out a window shattering scream, start flailing his arms around and I swear he would give me the middle finger as his head touched the mattress. It was like overnight he turned into a different baby. A pissed off, ‘pick me up and rock me bitch’ baby. Three naps a day, bedtime and 1000 times throughout the night he would scream until he was in my arms. Then he’d be sound asleep, I’d lay him down and you guessed it. He’d wake up screaming. I’d be back to the drawing board. I let him cry it out a few times but there is something about hearing your child gagging himself from crying that makes you feel bad, so I stopped.
So I was tired. Exhausted. Physically and mentally wore out. I dreaded sleep time. I would have kept him up all day if I could. One day at nap time, I was letting him cry for a minute because I had to deal with another issue out in the living room. Aiden had discovered that I washed his blankie. Shit. Shit. Shit. It wasn’t ready for naptime because I was too busy dealing with Camyrn to put it in the dryer. I immediately started sweating. I calmly broke the news to Aiden and prayed that he would handle it well. The last thing I needed was a meltdown from him. I am not usually afraid of my child. I am the parent, I am the boss. But on this day I just wanted a miracle. I was so frustrated with Camryn, that I just needed one child of mine to cut me some slack. Give me a break. Be good! But nope. The shit hit the fan. He had a full on tantrum. It was unbelievable. Camryn was screaming in his crib, Aiden was rolling around on the floor screaming for his blankie. I lost my cool. I went to the washer, took the soaken wet blankie out and I threw it at him. Yup. There you have it folks, my proudest moment. Like a child I yelled at him and threw the blankie on the floor next to him. I just wanted….no wait, I just NEEDED him to shut up. It worked. He was surprised by my actions, but more than anything he was happy that he had his blankie. He went for a nap, falling asleep to the sound of crying. Not just Camryn’s either. Camryn was still crying in his crib, Aiden was in bed trying to get his breath back from crying so hard so I did what I would like to think any normal mother would do. I went into the bathroom, turned off the light and turned on the fan and I cried. I cried until my head hurt. I cried until I had the urge to vomit. Then I picked myself up, wiped my face. Fixed my pony tail and walked out of the room. I apologized to Aiden, then I picked up my still crying 9 month old and rocked him to sleep.
Then I left his room, picked up the phone and called for help. The boys spent a few nights with Nana while Mommy got some well needed rest and a mental break.
I will never forget that day as long as I live. I will never forget the look on Aiden’s face when he saw me throw a wet blanket at him. He saw me cry. He heard me curse. He also heard me apologize, drew me a picture to make me happy and told me he loved me. I may be his Mother but I am only human and I think now he knows that.
I had such a hard week that week that I was starting to think that maybe I had late onset baby blues. Or maybe my birth control pill was throwing my hormones out of whack. Then I realized that nope, I was just a mother of two small boys who was exhausted. Mentally and physically, I was spent. I had nothing left. When I was crying in the bathroom that day, I kept saying over and over to myself “I can’t do this! I CAN’T do this!”. And that wasn’t the scariest part of all. Part of me wanted to speak the truth out loud…. “I don’t want to do this!” Right there in that moment, I was not having fun. I was not enjoying motherhood. I was at my wits end. I was overwhelmed and stressed and I did not want to do it anymore.
I messaged my sister (who is my best friend, my lifeline and also a mother of two) and told her how I was feeling. She reassured me that I am not the only parent who feels this way. That being overwhelmed from raising two kids entitled me to feel the way I did. That the “I can’t do this” and the “I don’t want to do this” feelings weren’t reserved just for me. I felt like less of a failure after talking to her, and more like I said above, human.
During that week when I was struggling with Camryn’s naps and was very much sleep deprived, I wanted to update my facebook status about how shitty my week was. But I never. Partly because I know not everyone is interested in my bad days and partly because I didn’t want the judgement. But never because I wanted to make it seem like my life is perfect. I knew my ‘my kids are driving me insane’ status would stand out like a sore thumb among all the sappy statuses and smiley pictures. Don’t get me wrong, I love reading happy statuses but sometimes, when I am having a shitty day and all I read about is how precious and perfect everyone else’s life seems to be, it is frustrating. Sometimes, just sometimes, I find myself flipping my computer screen the bird after logging into facebook. It is hypocritical really because I am guilty of writing such statuses too. I am a sap. I love my kids, I brag about them and I do cherish being a mommy. But some days, some days, what I really want to read on Facebook is that someone else is having a hard day with their kids. That Motherhood isn’t all sunshine and roses for other Mommies too. It is hard ass shit. I also love to read funny statuses! Someone please, make me laugh! Funny statuses are the best! You never know whose day you can change with a funny status 😉
I spent two nights away from my boys that week and I swear it was the best thing for me. I went out for a few drinks with my hubby and some friends. I went for walks, to fitness class, ran errands and stayed up past my 9pm bedtime. I slept in. I napped. By the third morning, I was up and out the door by 9am headed to Nana’s to pick up my boys. I felt refreshed, energized and more than anything, relaxed. I missed them and wanted them back with me, where they belong. Here comes the sappy part…..because no matter how bad my days are, I realize I am lucky to have them. I love my boys and not a day goes by where I don’t tell them this 108 times.
There is a lyric to a Coldplay song that I often find myself singing. It’s a song about love. It is very fitting to Motherhood. It goes….
“Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard”
It’s the love that makes it worth it.
Hugs & smiles,