A friend of mine graciously reminded me that I haven’t written a blog in months. She is right. So what I have been meaning to do for a while now, I am now doing.
For over 2.5 years, I have been a stay at home mom to my two boys. I remember writing a blog when I was on maternity leave with Aiden about how I really could stay home with him, not work, and be content with that. I was content with that. Then we moved back ‘home’, and I found myself in a small town where I didn’t know, well, anybody. (Actually the same friend who reminded me I was overdue on my blogging was the same stranger who reached out to my when I first moved here. So I figured I owed her one ;-)) Anyways, as a stay at home mother of two boys, a hubby who worked shift work and slept and had many sports in between, I found myself in my house A LOT, and alone A LOT. Just me and my boys. Day after day. Trips to the playground, occasional playdates, adventures to Wal-Mart, and the crayons, play-doh boogers, tantrums and everything else in between was becoming my life. Everything was the same for me, day in and out, me and my boys. As I mentioned before, mothering two children is a world of difference than one (for me anyways). Some days I loved it, and I will openly admit that some days I hated it. I would find myself lonely. Crying. Craving adult interaction. It was HARD.
I knew being a stay at home mom wasn’t for me. I knew it in my heart long before I wanted to admit it out loud to anybody, let alone the world. When Camryn first came along I secretly hoped that we would be able to get by on one income so I wouldn’t have to work. I wanted to be home. It was where I belonged. Fast forward 18 months and I was searching the job bank 812 times a day to see if anything new had been added. Some days, working in fast food seemed more appealing to me than being home (okay, okay that may be an exaggeration) 😉 But I needed to get out. While the idea of finding work scared me (being at home is what I have known for so long), it also made me feel disappointed in myself. Guilty. Why didn’t I want to be home with my gorgeous children? Was there something wrong with me? That made me cry harder.
I found a job (no, not fast food). I have one week punched and start week two tomorrow. Ironically, I now work with the friend who again, reminded me to write this blog. I have to say, it felt good to go to work. To be Sonya and not Mommy. To challenge myself and my baby brain. To not eat soggy, possibly already chewed, bread for lunch. To not have drool or milk stains on my shirt (well, I had yogurt stains but that was no one’s fault but my own). To not watch Daniel Tiger every morning at 9am. I enjoyed it. And all the while, I missed my boys. I wanted to know what they were doing, did they eat? Was Camryn napping? Were they missing me? I didn’t cry in the bathroom thinking these things. Not yet…..but the sitter starts tomorrow so I wouldn’t rule out the possibility just yet.
I am still adjusting to being back in the working world. It seems to be going fairly well. I have been used to going to bed 9:30pm and waking up before 7am for 4 years now, so that wasn’t a big deal. But it turns out Aiden isn’t having an easy time with it. And it will only get worse before it gets better because as I mentioned, the sitter starts tomorrow (bring on the nervous Irritable Bowel!!!). I knew Aiden would take it hard. He’s been home with me for 2.5 years, and poor Camryn, I am all he knows. Other than Nana or Nanny, no one has ever babysat these boys. Aiden had a good week last week with his grandparents but now shit is about to get real for him. I have already noticed a huge change in his behaviour. He’s acting out. He’s pissed off. At me. At Batman. At his Lego figurines. At the world. He doesn’t want things to change. He doesn’t understand his feelings so he is getting frustrated and acting like a completely different person. I have no idea who this child is but he surfaces a few times a day and sticks around far too long for my liking. He also appears to be 13 because his attitude is that of a teenager. I try to keep my cool, be patient and give him ‘love and reassurance’ as it was suggested to me by a random stranger but COME ON! I am human!!! After I try and fail with the calm, love and hugs, I am emotionally drained. I raise my voice and threaten to take away his Lego. That too fails. I give up.
He always apologizes. It is like he realizes how strange his behaviour is. He says he won’t be angry anymore. He said the remote control that controls when he gets mad is now gone. Phew! See ya later sucka! 5 minutes later he must have found that damn remote control and pressed rewind. Then pause. Then rewind and pause until my Aiden has disappeared, being replaced by this new child. I wish I could fast forward. Or better yet take the damn batteries out of the remote. Or run over it with my car.
Is it an age thing? Is it about my return to work? I don’t know. I hope he adjusts soon. I also hope Camryn doesn’t decide to follow in his brother’s footsteps and get pissed off at me for shaking things up and leaving them. I can’t handle both of them being mad at me and acting out.
Whoever said boys were easier to raise than girls? I think a child is a child is a child. They all have tendencies to act like hormonal teenagers, apparently even at age 4. If this is 4, I can’t wait to see the REAL 13!!!!
Hugs & Smiles,