It’s been 10 months since I wrote a blog post. I love to write, so I need to make time for it. Especially where it is therapeutic for me. Between working full time, having a hubby who works shift work and dealing with my kids, I am too mentally drained at the end of most days to string two words together. Lately, I’ve been finding my therapy in walking/jogging, and sadly, tuning in to silly reality TV shows to see who will get the ‘final rose’. Judge me, go ahead, but I need an hour to myself after the kids go to bed and watching stupid shows about other people’s lives gives me the break I need. These days I welcome the distraction.
Aiden’s starting Kindergarten in a week. This means my life is going to get a hell of a lot busier, but it also means there will be big changes (and many more germs) coming into my life. I’m nervous and stressed, yet calmly excited as I know it will be good for him. He needs the social aspect, the stimulation and a place to learn. And more than anything he needs some time away from his brother.
I don’t know if it’s the age difference (2.5 years), or maybe it’s having two boys, or two differing personalities, or if it’s just having two kids in general, but the last little while, I am drained. I am sick of breaking up fights, disciplining, reminding my kids not to be rude to one another (and me), to keep their hands to themselves, to share, to stop pulling hair and pinching noses. Am I the only mother feeling this way? I can’t be. I read other blogs and Facebook rants in the Mommy groups I am in and I find myself hugging the screen when I realize someone else lives a life similar to my own. Often times you just need this kind of reassurance. It doesn’t make things easier to deal with. It doesn’t restore patience, but it is comforting to know that I am not the only person who feels less than perfect. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one at the receiving end of ‘worst mommy in the world’. I’m not the only one whose days lately are filled with more yelling than hugging. It’s tiring, so once the kids are tucked into bed and the kisses, I love you’s and I’m sorry’s are exchanged, I often take a moment and either 1) cry or 2) head to the couch and turn on a mindless TV show that allows me to forget about how crappy my day was and how perfectly imperfect I am at being a parent.
Looking back, I swear I thought I had it all figured out when I only had one child. My life was all about routine and it was just the two of us most days. I was a stay at home mom so Aiden and I spent a lot of time together. I knew his moods, I had a handle on them (or so my baby brain leads me to believe). But adding Camryn to the mixed totally messed that up. Two kids changed things. It changed me. And now that Camryn is older (and sleeping through the night AND potty trained!!! WOOOOO), I’ve come to terms with the fact that it’s impossible to have everything figured out when it comes to parenting. When you have two, the sound of sweet laughter is almost always followed by tears. As is silence. Never trust it as more times than not, tears and blood follow (from my experience). Smiles lead to punches, coloring and painting can lead to a mess of colors and hurt feelings. When the moments are good, they are real and they are sweet. But when they are bad, they are pull your hair out, run for the door, bad. And how it goes from one extreme to the next VERY fast blows my mind. I hear “I love you” one minute, then “you’re the worst baby brother EVER’ 20 seconds later. Fast forward 5 minutes and your child has the worst parents in the world and threatens to move to Walmart (with his jar full of nickels and a ten dollar bill under his arm). All the while, you can’t help but think about the 5 dollars you stole from that very jar to go to Zumba one Sunday evening.
Every mother should see the movie Bad Moms. I saw it twice because it was rib hurting, laugh til you snort hilarious. It is the story about a mother who is so sick of trying to be a ‘good mom’ so she decides to start being a BAD mom. The movie serves as a reminder that there is no such thing as a perfect mother. Some of us just hide that fact better than others. Well, not me. I don’t hide it well. I’ve admitted since day one, when I started writing this blog, that motherhood is hard. Some days you feel like you are winning, other days you feel completely defeated. At least every day is a chance to start over.
On those days when you find yourself thinking (or saying) over and over “I can’t do this”, remind yourself that you can do this (even on days when you feel like you don’t want to). Do what I do, dust yourself off, have a spoonful or two of peanut butter (I stress eat) and keep going. Not just because you have no other choice, but because you love your little monsters more than life itself. After all, that’s what makes us GOOD moms. Not how good we are at Pinterest shit and whether we bake or buy our cookies for the bake sale.
It’s always comes down to love. That final rose.