I feel the need to redeem myself after my last blog (Flip the bird). Out of all the blogs I’ve written, it was the hardest for me to post because it seemed very raw and personal. I knew I’d be judged. It felt like the equivalent of admitting publicly that you pee in the shower. Some people think it’s gross, some don’t. Some do it but still pretend they don’t.
I’ve had a few jokes/comments referencing my habit of giving my child the middle finger behind his back. I need to clarify that this isn’t a habit. It’s not something I do regularly- it’s just something that has happened, once (okay twice, three times max) in my life. I’m sure you have all done something that you’re not proud of, something that made you feel better for 30 seconds, and then after it was over you knew it wasn’t your proudest moment. Well, that was my moment. I just decided to post it publicly in a blog for the world to see (ok, for the 50 people who read my blog), thus opening myself up for judgement. I don’t regret it, I just need to say to those of you who have knocked it before you tried it that it’s not something I do all the time.
So I am going to write a sappy post about how much I love my kids in hopes of reminding everyone that I am actually a sane, good parent. I didn’t say perfect, because there’s no such thing, but I am a good mother. I know this because I am trying my best and I am trying to give the best of myself to my kids. Do I sometimes fail? Sure. That’s because I’m also human. But one thing I can reassure you is that my boys are my life. Literally, I have no social life, they’re it 😉 They just happen to be my world too.
I live in a small town where I am not surrounded by my family and friends (add to that a husband who works shift work and plays too many sports), so I spend a lot of time alone with my kids. By a lot I mean every waking moment outside of my workday. 7 days a week, I’m the primary parent. I rarely get a break (which is probably why I run out the door to work). As you can imagine (and many can relate to), this is tiring, exhausting and overwhelming. It’s impossible to ‘enjoy every minute’, as many people encourage. For example, when your 3 year old is having a meltdown because you stuck the straw in his drinkable yogurt when he wanted to, while your 5 year old is pissed off for a reason unbeknownst to you, giving more attitude than a room full of 13 Justin Bieber’s, it’s hard to enjoy every minute.
But you take the good with the bad. Five minutes after the tantrum ends and the attitude fades to silliness, there are the smiles, the hugs, the playing and I love you’s. I love random I love you’s. Not just from my kids, but from my husband too. I don’t want to hear it every time we end our telephone conversation because it would be too habitual, like saying hello and goodbye. I like to hear it at random moments when you least expect it. Camryn, being at that adorable age of 3 when you want to kiss his face off because he is so squishable, he’ll tell me at random times. Like when he’s pooping. He likes for me to sit and watch him poop (dear god I hope he grows out of this soon, let me tell ya). He’ll be having a poop and he’ll learn forward, almost falling off the toilet, and wrap his arms around my neck and sigh, saying “I love you, mommy”. It brings such joy to my heart- and tears to my eyes, but that could be the smell of his poop, not sure. Either way, I’ll take it.
Or Aiden, when we’re curled up on the couch watching a movie or Mario (the child watches videos of other people playing Super Mario bros, I don’t get it), and he’ll lean close and touch my hair and tell me he loves me. It’s so sweet. So random. Those are the moments I don’t want to end. I know someday my boys will be too big to be fighting over sitting on my lap. On a full sized couch, you’ll find three of us snuggled up in the corner, sharing one cushion, because they can’t get close enough to me. I’m nuzzling Camryn’s neck while stroking Aiden’s arm- trying to soak it all up because I know any minute, actually any second, things will change. Camryn will accidentally kick Aiden and Aiden will yell at him and tattle to me and then they are down on the floor, stealing one another’s toys, trying to piss the other off. It makes sense though, this viscous cycle, because there is always calm before the storm. End even though storms are temporary, they can seem long and horrible and frustrating while you’re in it. The good thing is they end…..and once they do, you get to enjoy the peace again while you wait for the next one. And we all know there’s always a next one. In order to truly appreciate the peace, you need to have the storm. That’s what I keep telling myself anyways.
So contrary to what my last post may lead you to believe, I am not an avid flipper of the bird. Sometimes I don’t use my finger at all and just drop an F-bomb.. I’m KIDDING!! Or am I??